SIX LESSONS FROM MY GLAM MA

Today is my mum's birthday. She is a Glam ma to 12 grandchildren with another on the way. There are several lessons that I have learned from her over the years. Here are six of them.

Looking Good Is Good Business

My mum has always looked good and taken care of herself. She knows what suits her and what doesnt and she has pleasure in experimenting with new looks. Ive seen my mum rock afros, weaves, cornrows, braids, bobs, curly perm, straight perm, natural hair and now she’s got this short red funky glam look going on. And yes she does look Fab.

Stay In Shape

People always comment that my mum looks in good shape. She has never been overweight. The truth is my mum doesn’t sit still. She's always on the move. And when she does sit still, she's looking for what to do next. My mum is very active and that has been the secret of her not adding weight. In addition, even though she still gets away with eating three square meals a day, she doesn’t really snack on biscuits or junk food.

Discipline

My mum has always set a great example by being very disciplined. She's never been one to spend frivolously. So I will try and learn from my Glam ma and try to be more disciplined too, especially when it comes to savings. ''Always save for a rainy day'' she says. 

Love Family

My mum loves her family and always put us first. She is very selfless and giving and that encourages me to be like her in that way. My daughter who is finishing her education in London, lives with her Glam ma and has benefited from my mum’s selfless love.

Don’t Give Up

My mum has always been a determined woman and has taught us to never give up. When she has a goal she does everything in her power to reach it. I have watched her determination. I love her ''can do'' spirit.

Be Confident

My mum has always been comfortable in her own skin and stays away from negativity. She is confident in her abilities and experiences and is always willing to share. 

Bonus: Prayer is the Key.

This is my Gram ma's favourite prayer

Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

My wish for my mama on her birthday is that she will continue to live in peace and good health and anything else is a bonus.

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7AM WORKOUTS ON HOLIDAY: WHY?

So who wants to wake up at 7 am on their holiday working out in this lovely park? Don’t I want to stay in bed till about 10am or even 12 noon on holiday?

GOAL SETTING

The answer is, ‘’I am committed to achieving my goals’’. At the beginning of the year I went on a goal setting workshop and one of my goals was to commit to living a healthier lifestyle. I am not one of these people that go on workshops to waste money or just for the sake of it and nor should you. I want to see results.

WHY GO ON TRAINING?

It’s not rocket science but it’s good to remind ourselves why spend money on training. Why are we spending our Saturday’s going to training or any other day for that matter? Why do people come to my High Impact Workshops? What do we want to achieve at the end of it? We want results, results, results but in order to gain results we need to take action.

WHAT CAN YOU SACRIFICE?

Life is too short to spend time doing training and not see results but we have to take action from the principles or the strategies that we learn.

So I am in the park at 7am doing my work out on holiday. It’s the sacrifice I have to do if I want to stay in shape and achieve my goals.

GREAT RESULTS

I have achieved 10 out of the 12 goals that I declared for myself at the beginning of the year including being more active. I am not saying this to boast but to encourage you to make a deliberate effort, if you want to see great results which includes a bit of sacrifice.

NEW BEGINNINGS

Today is the 1^st of August. It’s the 8^th month of year. I thought to encourage you to go back to your goals. It’s not too late to review and see how far you’ve gone and just keep at it. Don’t stop even on holiday.

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DON’T BLAME THE MANIPULATOR: TAKE CONTROL.

This post is not for everyone. It’s only for people who are not in control of their relationships and find themselves in manipulative relationships or friendships. They believe that because they are nice, then others should also be nice back to them. But if you meet the wrong type of person, you may be taken advantage of, to the point that your self-worth maybe affected.  If you are the victim of a manipulator, this article will help you take back control. Hopefully, it will also help you see what you have done to put yourself in this mess and help you with strategies to get out, fast.

WHO IS A MANIPULATOR?

Manipulative people have a strong desire to be in control. This is usually rooted from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. 

TRAITS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE VULNERABLE TO MANIPULATORS

1. You can’t say No

If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. The manipulator loves a person with a passive personality who they can control. The truth is nobody can manipulate you without your permission.

2. You only feel useful and loved only when you take care of the needs of other people

 
Manipulators will easily take advantage of this particular personality trait. If this sounds like you, then you have to go on a journey of self-discovery and find your own value so that you can take care of your own needs as well as others.

3. You need to have the approval and acceptance of others

The manipulator knows your weaknesses and works by giving you the acceptance that you need and then threatens to withdraw it or gives you the silent treatment. If you find yourself in this situation, ignore the behaviour completely. Deliberately spend time on your own to discover your value.

4. You lack a firm sense of self

A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favour. Without a clear definition of yourself, you may be an easy target for a manipulator. Again you will need a long period of being completely away from your manipulator to realise that you are better off without them or that your value is actually immeasurable.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A MANIPULATOR IN YOUR LIFE

Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator

You cannot change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight - most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. 

If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up - often by leaving the relationship/ friendship and finding someone else to control. Unfortunately, there are several people who give up their powers because they don’t have a sense of their own purpose or are just too nice.

Assess the worth of this relationship to you

If is a friendship, depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and self-worth, you may need to consider whether it is worth continuing the relationship. Remember there are 7 billion people in the world, so why let one encounter be that significant. If you are married, please seek a marriage counselor as they may suggest other strategies of coping. 

Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship

Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge but you have to be strong. You have to stand up and firm in what you believe in. You have to be assertive.

ARE YOU IN A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP?

There is no need to answer the question publicly. You probably will know from the above if you are. Find techniques to get your control back. Life is too short to be dancing to the strings of another human being. You are not a puppet.

Culled from years of research of manipulators, my own experiences and observing with my big brown eyes.

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WHO IS A BRITISH NIGERIAN?

The other day I was celebrating the fact that l’ve lived and survived in Nigerian for 8 years. One of my facebook friends said, ‘’but you are an Nigerian,’’ And I responded with ‘’yes I am a British Nigerian’’. And we both laughed out loud in cyber space. So let me ponder more on what makes me both? Here are my answers.

Heartfelt

I am a hybrid of the two worlds. I feel both British and Nigerian. As I said in my very first blog post, I’ve lived in two continents at different stages of my life so I can identify with both cultures. This is not so for everyone. Some people relocate to the UK or Naija and spend over 50 years there and still feel either fully British or Nigerian. It just depends on your heart because remember the saying, ‘’Home is where the heart is.’’

Culture

I embrace both cultures. This means I embrace the ideas, customs and social behaviour of both countries.  I don’t think I will ever embrace the ‘’Nigerian time’’ excuse for lateness or the British stiff upper lip for being unemotional. I have learnt to be a professional from my time spent working in the UK and I have learnt to be bold in Lagos, especially as an entrepreneur. I try and choose the good ones from both sides.

Accent

No matter how long I live in Nigeria, I will always have a London accent and that is because once you develop an accent as an adult, you rarely loose it. So the London accent is here to stay. That is not to say that I cant switch and speak with a Naija accent when I need to. But my main accent will always be that of a Londoner. And quite frankly, I like it.

Food

I love bangers and mash as much as I love eba and okra soup. I also like making a British Sunday roast for the family with all the added extras, even in Lagos. As soon as I visit London I always look out for a local fish n chips joint. I love my Naija delicacies too including various soup dishes like Okra or Egusi as well as corn, coconut and ube and not forgetting my malt drink. 

Switch & Match

As soon as I land in London, I am able to switch back to being British and the same can be said for when I am in Lagos. There's an art to it you know. I just cant explain it. But those that know, know.

Name

I am blessed to have two names that emphasize my unique cultural identity. To my London friends I am Rita or R-ia and to my Nigerian friends I am RiRi. How cool is that? So I can conclude that I am indeed a true British Nigerian. 

Please remember that there's no rule for what you are. It really depends on you and what's important to you. 

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HOW TO ADD VALUE

This article is for anyone who wants to add value. Employers, clients, networks and voluntary groups are always on the lookout for people who add value. To add value means to go beyond the standard expectations and provide something ‘more’ while adding little or nothing to its cost.

Listed below are the various ways you can add value in all your endeavours.

Increase Skills

What skills can you do very well? Some people have basic skills in their industry but others have become masters through continuous learning. There is no excuse these days because you can find just about anything on the internet. If you have the skills but do not have much experience, then find ways to volunteer. When I first started out in the Events Industry, I worked for three months as an intern for well-known magazine company called Pride Magazine. I moaned at the time about not being paid but, it led me to work with some of the best organisations in the world such FT Magazines, Channel 5 and BBC London.

Become an Expert

It simply means being highly skilled in a profession. Become an expert and make yourself indispensable to customers and clients. Once you can do things very well, gained from experience and learning, then you are considered an expert. Once you are known for a certain expert area, you will be sought after as a thought leader, to deliver talks on your area of expertise and you will be paid for your perceived value. 

Be More Productive 

Employers and clients alike value people that can get the work done fast. Time is money. Find ways to be efficient and that will be a great added value to anyone. Come up with ways to make routine tasks more efficient. Learn about time management packages. I recommend Google Calendars and Cloud Apps. Be the person that is known for meeting deadlines especially tight ones.

A Person of Influence

What influence do you have? Do you have a voice? What can you get others to do? Do you belong to a large network? Who do you know that can do business at a reasonable cost with your company, client or network? Do you have contacts? All of these add definitely add value. Why not start by writing on something you are passionate about and get it published or start a video or blog and give away valuable advice.

Have a Vision

People that are visionary add value because they see what others do not see. They have the ability to look at things in long terms. They bring good ideas based on thinking outside the box. Companies are always looking for people that can bring new ideas. I was not always visionary but it was a skill, I taught myself. I now have BIG visions.

Improve Interpersonal Skills

Develop strong interpersonal skills which include listening, having empathy and communicating effectively. If you have these skills you will have the ability to win new business, defuse irate customers and preserve good customer relationships. A great book to invest in is, ‘’How to win friends and Influence People’’ by Dale Carnegie.

Have a Great Attitude

This is my final point and probably the most important way to add value. Your attitude towards yourself and others is a key factor in adding value. The way you think and respond to things positively, adds value. This comes from being passionate about what you do.

A person who is passionate about the work that they do is definitely adding value to any employer, client or group.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

This ''Quote of the day'' is trending in an online group that I belong to called Raising Confident Girls. I just thought to bring it alive through visual representation. There’s nothing really more to add other than I agree with quote and shared with my daughter. 

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Happy Sunday! 

DON’T BE A COPYCAT! I AM ALREADY TAKEN

People tend to be cautious of copycats, especially here in Nigeria. They are afraid to show their work and talents because they are afraid others will copy. I even felt that recently and realised that its actually flattering when someone else copies your idea because it shows that you are ''loaded'' and a thought leader.  Let’s get logical and not emotional here and tackle the realities of copycats.  

There is nothing hidden under the sun, so there is virtually nothing that someone else has not thought of before. (There’s also Google) So when it comes to ideas, we all copy, we research, we refer, but when it comes to your uniqueness, your personal brand, your brand YOU, nobody can be you.

Here is a list of things that people cannot copy

Your Smile 

Did you know that all of us smile differently? Our smile is a mirror into our lives. Our smiles are usually a reflection of what is going on in our lives. And being that two people are not going to have the exact same experience at the same time, no one can steal or duplicate your smile for that moment in time.

Your Voice 

And I don’t mean what you sound like. I mean the stories that you tell. All our stories are completely different. If you read my first post, I wrote that from age of 11, I have lived in and out of two continents. Other people may have had similar experiences to me but they are not going to have the exact story. And even if they did, they are not going to narrate it in the same way as me.

Your Passion 

Everyone has their own unique passion. By that I mean your get up and go.  The thing that keeps you up at night. That thing that makes you want to save the world. Our passions are uniquely different for all of us. I am passionate about people.  I am a communicator. I love sharing. I love celebrating. I love teaching.  Someone else may have a passion for people but will express it in a different way from me.

Your Unique Character

Your character is who you are. Nobody can be you. Even if they did cosmetic surgery to look like you, they will never be you and that's because they don’t have the same life experiences as you.  Even identical twins don’t have the same character.

So next time you are fretting over copy cats, know that they can never ever be you.

So what else can we NOT copy from each other?

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Stay blessed.