DON’T BLAME THE MANIPULATOR: TAKE CONTROL.

This post is not for everyone. It’s only for people who are not in control of their relationships and find themselves in manipulative relationships or friendships. They believe that because they are nice, then others should also be nice back to them. But if you meet the wrong type of person, you may be taken advantage of, to the point that your self-worth maybe affected.  If you are the victim of a manipulator, this article will help you take back control. Hopefully, it will also help you see what you have done to put yourself in this mess and help you with strategies to get out, fast.

WHO IS A MANIPULATOR?

Manipulative people have a strong desire to be in control. This is usually rooted from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. 

TRAITS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE VULNERABLE TO MANIPULATORS

1. You can’t say No

If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. The manipulator loves a person with a passive personality who they can control. The truth is nobody can manipulate you without your permission.

2. You only feel useful and loved only when you take care of the needs of other people

 
Manipulators will easily take advantage of this particular personality trait. If this sounds like you, then you have to go on a journey of self-discovery and find your own value so that you can take care of your own needs as well as others.

3. You need to have the approval and acceptance of others

The manipulator knows your weaknesses and works by giving you the acceptance that you need and then threatens to withdraw it or gives you the silent treatment. If you find yourself in this situation, ignore the behaviour completely. Deliberately spend time on your own to discover your value.

4. You lack a firm sense of self

A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favour. Without a clear definition of yourself, you may be an easy target for a manipulator. Again you will need a long period of being completely away from your manipulator to realise that you are better off without them or that your value is actually immeasurable.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A MANIPULATOR IN YOUR LIFE

Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator

You cannot change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight - most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. 

If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up - often by leaving the relationship/ friendship and finding someone else to control. Unfortunately, there are several people who give up their powers because they don’t have a sense of their own purpose or are just too nice.

Assess the worth of this relationship to you

If is a friendship, depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and self-worth, you may need to consider whether it is worth continuing the relationship. Remember there are 7 billion people in the world, so why let one encounter be that significant. If you are married, please seek a marriage counselor as they may suggest other strategies of coping. 

Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship

Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge but you have to be strong. You have to stand up and firm in what you believe in. You have to be assertive.

ARE YOU IN A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP?

There is no need to answer the question publicly. You probably will know from the above if you are. Find techniques to get your control back. Life is too short to be dancing to the strings of another human being. You are not a puppet.

Culled from years of research of manipulators, my own experiences and observing with my big brown eyes.

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