Friday 29 July 2016

DON’T BLAME THE MANIPULATOR: TAKE CONTROL.



This post is not for everyone. It’s only for people who are not in control of their relationships and find themselves in manipulative relationships or friendships. They believe that because they are nice, then others should also be nice back to them. But if you meet the wrong type of person, you may be taken advantage of, to the point that your self-worth maybe affected.  If you are the victim of a manipulator, this article will help you take back control. Hopefully, it will also help you see what you have done to put yourself in this mess and help you with strategies to get out, fast.

WHO IS A MANIPULATOR?
Manipulative people have a strong desire to be in control. This is usually rooted from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. 

TRAITS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE VULNERABLE TO MANIPULATORS

1. You can’t say No

If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator.
 The manipulator loves a person with a passive personality who they can control. The truth is nobody can manipulate you without your permission.

2. You only feel useful and loved only when you take care of the needs of other people
 
Manipulators will easily take advantage of this particular personality trait. If this sounds like you, then you have to go on a journey of self-discovery and find your own value so that you can take care of your own needs as well as others.

3. You need to have the approval and acceptance of others
The manipulator knows your weaknesses and works by giving you the acceptance that you need and then threatens to withdraw it or gives you the silent treatment. If you find yourself in this situation, ignore the behaviour completely. Deliberately spend time on your own to discover your value.

4. You lack a firm sense of self
A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favour. Without a clear definition of yourself, you may be an easy target for a manipulator. Again you will need a long period of being completely away from your manipulator to realise that you are better off without them or that your value is actually immeasurable.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A MANIPULATOR IN YOUR LIFE

Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator
You cannot change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight - most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. 

If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up - often by leaving the relationship/ friendship and finding someone else to control. Unfortunately, there are several people who give up their powers because they don’t have a sense of their own purpose or are just too nice.

Assess the worth of this relationship to you
If is a friendship, depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and self-worth, you may need to consider whether it is worth continuing the relationship. Remember there are 7 billion people in the world, so why let one encounter be that significant. If you are married, please seek a marriage counselor as they may suggest other strategies of coping. 

Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship

Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge but you have to be strong. You have to stand up and firm in what you believe in. You have to be assertive.

ARE YOU IN A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP?

There is no need to answer the question publicly. You probably will know from the above if you are. Find techniques to get your control back. Life is too short to be dancing to the strings of another human being. You are not a puppet.

Culled from years of research of manipulators, my own experiences and observing with my big brown eyes.

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Wednesday 27 July 2016

WHO IS A BRITISH NIGERIAN?

The other day I was celebrating the fact that l’ve lived and survived in Nigerian for 8 years. One of my facebook friends said, ‘’but you are an Nigerian,’’ And I responded with ‘’yes I am a British Nigerian’’. And we both laughed out loud in cyber space. So let me ponder more on what makes me both? Here are my answers.



Heartfelt
I am a hybrid of the two worlds. I feel both British and Nigerian. As I said in my very first blog post, I’ve lived in two continents at different stages of my life so I can identify with both cultures. This is not so for everyone. Some people relocate to the UK or Naija and spend over 50 years there and still feel either fully British or Nigerian. It just depends on your heart because remember the saying, ‘’Home is where the heart is.’’




Culture
I embrace both cultures. This means I embrace the ideas, customs and social behaviour of both countries.  I don’t think I will ever embrace the ‘’Nigerian time’’ excuse for lateness or the British stiff upper lip for being unemotional. I have learnt to be a professional from my time spent working in the UK and I have learnt to be bold in Lagos, especially as an entrepreneur. I try and choose the good ones from both sides.




Accent
No matter how long I live in Nigeria, I will always have a London accent and that is because once you develop an accent as an adult, you rarely loose it. So the London accent is here to stay. That is not to say that I cant switch and speak with a Naija accent when I need to. But my main accent will always be that of a Londoner. And quite frankly, I like it.



Food
I love bangers and mash as much as I love eba and okra soup. I also like making a British Sunday roast for the family with all the added extras, even in Lagos. As soon as I visit London I always look out for a local fish n chips joint. I love my Naija delicacies too including various soup dishes like Okra or Egusi as well as corn, coconut and ube and not forgetting my malt drink. 

Switch & Match

As soon as I land in London, I am able to switch back to being British and the same can be said for when I am in Lagos. There's an art to it you know. I just cant explain it. But those that know, know.


Name
I am blessed to have two names that emphasize my unique cultural identity. To my London friends I am Rita or R-ia and to my Nigerian friends I am RiRi. How cool is that? So I can conclude that I am indeed a true British Nigerian. 

Please remember that there's no rule for what you are. It really depends on you and what's important to you. 

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Tuesday 19 July 2016

HOW TO ADD VALUE


This article is for anyone who wants to add value. Employers, clients, networks and voluntary groups are always on the lookout for people who add value. To add value means to go beyond the standard expectations and provide something ‘more’ while adding little or nothing to its cost.

Listed below are the various ways you can add value in all your endeavours.

Increase Skills

What skills can you do very well? Some people have basic skills in their industry but others have become masters through continuous learning. There is no excuse these days because you can find just about anything on the internet. If you have the skills but do not have much experience, then find ways to volunteer. When I first started out in the Events Industry, I worked for three months as an intern for well-known magazine company called Pride Magazine. I moaned at the time about not being paid but, it led me to work with some of the best organisations in the world such FT Magazines, Channel 5 and BBC London.




Become an Expert

It simply means being highly skilled in a profession. Become an expert and make yourself indispensable to customers and clients. Once you can do things very well, gained from experience and learning, then you are considered an expert. Once you are known for a certain expert area, you will be sought after as a thought leader, to deliver talks on your area of expertise and you will be paid for your perceived value. 

Be More Productive 

Employers and clients alike value people that can get the work done fast. Time is money. Find ways to be efficient and that will be a great added value to anyone. Come up with ways to make routine tasks more efficient. Learn about time management packages. I recommend Google Calendars and Cloud Apps. Be the person that is known for meeting deadlines especially tight ones.


A Person of Influence

What influence do you have? Do you have a voice? What can you get others to do? Do you belong to a large network? Who do you know that can do business at a reasonable cost with your company, client or network? Do you have contacts? All of these add definitely add value. Why not start by writing on something you are passionate about and get it published or start a video or blog and give away valuable advice.


Have a Vision

People that are visionary add value because they see what others do not see. They have the ability to look at things in long terms. They bring good ideas based on thinking outside the box. Companies are always looking for people that can bring new ideas. I was not always visionary but it was a skill, I taught myself. I now have BIG visions.


Improve Interpersonal Skills

Develop strong interpersonal skills which include listening, having empathy and communicating effectively. If you have these skills you will have the ability to win new business, defuse irate customers and preserve good customer relationships. A great book to invest in is, ‘’How to win friends and Influence People’’ by Dale Carnegie.



Have a Great Attitude

This is my final point and probably the most important way to add value. Your attitude towards yourself and others is a key factor in adding value. The way you think and respond to things positively, adds value. This comes from being passionate about what you do.
A person who is passionate about the work that they do is definitely adding value to any employer, client or group.


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WHATS LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT



Sunday 17 July 2016

QUOTE OF THE DAY



This ''Quote of the day'' is trending in an online group that I belong to called Raising Confident Girls. I just thought to bring it alive through visual representation. There’s nothing really more to add other than I agree with quote and shared with my daughter. 

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Happy Sunday! 

Thursday 14 July 2016

DON’T BE A COPYCAT! I AM ALREADY TAKEN



People tend to be cautious of copycats, especially here in Nigeria. They are afraid to show their work and talents because they are afraid others will copy. I even felt that recently and realised that its actually flattering when someone else copies your idea because it shows that you are ''loaded'' and a thought leader.  Let’s get logical and not emotional here and tackle the realities of copycats.  

There is nothing hidden under the sun, so there is virtually nothing that someone else has not thought of before. (There’s also Google) So when it comes to ideas, we all copy, we research, we refer, but when it comes to your uniqueness, your personal brand, your brand YOU, nobody can be you.

Here is a list of things that people cannot copy

Your Smile 


Did you know that all of us smile differently? Our smile is a mirror into our lives. Our smiles are usually a reflection of what is going on in our lives. And being that two people are not going to have the exact same experience at the same time, no one can steal or duplicate your smile for that moment in time.

Your Voice 


And I don’t mean what you sound like. I mean the stories that you tell. All our stories are completely different. If you read my first post, I wrote that from age of 11, I have lived in and out of two continents. Other people may have had similar experiences to me but they are not going to have the exact story. And even if they did, they are not going to narrate it in the same way as me.

Your Passion 



Everyone has their own unique passion. By that I mean your get up and go.  The thing that keeps you up at night. That thing that makes you want to save the world. Our passions are uniquely different for all of us. I am passionate about people.  I am a communicator. I love sharing. I love celebrating. I love teaching.  Someone else may have a passion for people but will express it in a different way from me.

Your Unique Character

Your character is who you are. Nobody can be you. Even if they did cosmetic surgery to look like you, they will never be you and that's because they don’t have the same life experiences as you.  Even identical twins don’t have the same character.

So next time you are fretting over copy cats, know that they can never ever be you.

So what else can we NOT copy from each other?

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Stay blessed.


Wednesday 6 July 2016

EMPATHY ON MY MIND




If I had a magic wand, my wish would be for more people in my dear beloved country Nigeria to have better skills in empathy.  

A client who owns a cancer clinic in Victoria Island, recently reached out to me. She said, ‘’ Some of our patients have life threatening diseases but the doctors here don’t seem to care and are very abrupt. Can you do a talk on Empathy?’’. I jumped at it because empathy is something I consider very important.

What Is Empathy?

Simply put, it means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s also a skill of reflecting back to the emotions that the other person is showing so that they feel heard and understood.

Some Terms & Differences 

Sympathy ‘’ I am sorry that happened to you’’.
Empathy ‘’I see your pain and I understand’’
Compassion ‘’ How do you need my help?’’
Apathy ‘’I don’t care how you feel’’

Phrases that you can share to show that you have empathy include the following

I can understand you
I understand how you feel
I can imagine how hard it is for you
I can understand how angry you are

Reflecting On Empathy

Am I compassionate enough to care about another person feelings?
Can I put myself in another person shoes so that I don’t judge or criticize them?

Examples Of Reflective Listening

Employee: I don’t really want to work anymore. I want to be home with my children
Employer: So what I am hearing you say is you prefer staying at home with your children rather than working right now.

Summing Up My Thoughts

I have come to realize that cultural differences make it harder for some people to feel empathy. In a tough environment like Lagos, its often challenging for some people to think about anyone but themselves.

There’s also the issue of status. A manager may not consider the problem of an employee to be important because she doesn’t consider the person to be her equal. Some people also struggle and are uncomfortable with another person’s emotions. I remember once when I was working in an office and was so upset about something which left me in tears. Instead of the boss to show any empathy. She just left the office.

Even if it’s a weakness, I believe empathy can be improved by being conscious of how a lack of it makes another person feel. Let’s remember what the Late Maya Angelou said, ‘’ I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel. ‘’

So what are your thoughts on empathy? 

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Stay Blessed




Tuesday 5 July 2016

WHY NOW?



I love writing…
So today I decided to open myself up to the world. I'm a pretty open person but my blog posts will go deeper and talk about the things that matter to me. My aim is share a bit of light in a dark world. I hope my blog posts will be informative, as well as light hearted and fun, sometimes.  The topics that matter to me are inner confidence, kindness, honesty, integrity, emotional well being, empathy and loyalty. I hope to reflect them in all my posts as I open up myself up to you.

Who Am I?

I come from humble beginnings. My family are quite private so I wont say much about them other than that I am from a very large family and I am somewhere in the middle. I've lived in two continents. From age 0 to 11, I lived in London, England. From age 11 to 15, I lived in Owerri, Nigeria. From age 15 to 30’s I lived in London and from my late 30’s to now I live in Lagos. So how old does that make me lol? Pretty young looking right hahaha. I am married and have three amazing children. I love my mum and siblings deeply.

Death Strikes

It’s been quite a journey. Life is not always haha hehe. My dad died suddenly at age 72. He fell asleep peacefully on February 21st 2016 in London. That is when my whole world stood still. Confusion set in. My dad wasn’t supposed to die yet or ever to be quite frank. He wasn’t that ill. Me and siblings called him ''the old man'' in discussions, but we never meant it quite literally. He was getting on and had some common ailments that start to appear at his age but he was far from old. So it was a big shock to hear that he had passed. For the record I was a daddy's girl and his passing shattered my world quite literally.

Surprisingly, my dad’s death has left me with a strong urgency to tell my story. To share some light. To give people hope in a world that seems hopeless. To tell people that it is ok to be yourself. It frees you.


Freedom with Being You

I am passionate about people. I want people to be confident. I am not talking about outward fluffy confidence but real deep inner self belief which brings freedom. I moved to Lagos in 2008 and remember being caught up in the shallowness of my environment. It can be very seductive. You know the right bag, the right weave, designers, name dropping and so on. Dont get me wrong, I love good things but they shouldnt define you. Living in Lagos has been an eye opener for me, I must say. 

Let's Talk About Confidence

In September 2014 and out of the blue, I set up a facebook group called Raising Confident Girls. It's a great movement, if I do say so myself. Members passionately share issues affecting confidence in girls and there's never a dull moment. So many ladies share valuable knowledge and we all learn so much from each other.  

I am on a journey to tackle this whole issue of ''confidence'' not just for girls but for the world. 

So many people struggle with confidence even spirit filled Holy ones lol. We all do ''occasionally'' but accepting the struggle for what it is and taking steps to conquer it can bring healing. I think a lack of inner confidence imprisons you. 

It's part of my mission to heal the world and make it a better place...at least doing my bit. So that's my intro and I look forward to sharing more insights with you soon. 

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Stay blessed!